As engagement announcements flood my timeline I just want to share this article, this well written, beautiful article that serves as a reminder. But first, a few things that my young and inexperienced self have learned over the last few years.
I’m not engaged. But I want to be. This doesn’t mean what you think, bare with me.
Something I've learned the last few years, through experiences of my own and my friends, is that you can be with someone, and still feel completely alone. No, its not all their fault you feel this way. So you can't blame them when it's over. As much as you'd like to, it only eases the pain temporarily. We figure, if we blamed him or her, for all the reasons that this didn’t work out, blamed them for all the pain, then it would all disappear, In a perfect world we'd feel great and move on.
Wrong! I realized that one, it was a heart issue. Not his, but mine. I looked for love in the wrong place. Don’t get me wrong, when dating someone seriously, I would hope you’re moving toward feelings of love. But, how can you love someone if you don’t know God? God created love. God is love. See, I knew God... I know Him. But I wasn’t seeking love from Him first during that season of my life. I want to be engaged. In tune with God so that I may know Him. Constantly aware of things that I’m learning. Alert and armed so that I may be able to combat sin. Engaged in the moment with Him.
You can be with you “perfect match” and never feel filled up. Actually, the bible warns us that we will never feel completely filled up by anyone or anything on this earth. Why? Because we are made to crave the Lord. To seek Him above all things. To rush towards him like an ocean wave, over and over again. Yearning for Him to reassure us, to protect us, to guide us, and to love us. See what's so cool about the bible is it's a guide, which sounds cold and directional, but it's also a love letter. In Genesis the bible talks about how we were created. Genesis 2:7 "Then the LORD formed the man of dust of the ground and breathed life into him and he became a living being." We are living on borrowed breath from God...Our soul craves and needs that breath of life from our Creator. How insane is that?
When you’re in love, you would go the distance for that person. Am I going to the distance in my relationship with Christ? Am I staying up late talking to him? Am I doing a heart check daily to see where we are? And more importantly, where we’re going? These questions flood my mind. There is no destination with God, that is true. We are meant to be constantly wandering, while at the same time constantly arriving. Wandering around seeking Him in all these aspects of our life. Being bold and intentional with our actions. And arriving in His presence constantly, growing deeper in our relationship with Him.
It takes me longer than I expect to move on from pain. Not because the wounds that were left, but because I didn’t allow my Lord and Savior to heal those wounds. Like a child who won’t let their mom clean up their scrape, I pulled away from God and said, “I got it! I can do this on my own!” Who am I to tell the God of the universe, the one who knew me before I was in my mother’s womb, the one that knows the number of hairs on my head, that I don’t need him...?
I so absolutely desperately needed him, and need him. When I truly recognized that when I’m weak, and throw him my life and say, “here, take it. Take it all.” That’s when healing begins. That’s when the past becomes the past and the future opens up again. That’s where joy comes from. That’s when loneliness dissipates completely, and your heart and soul feel full.
I learned more about myself and the Lord through that period of singleness than I ever expected to.
I saw my friends one by one getting engaged, getting married and moving on from singleness. And at the time, I wish I could’ve read this article and realized that life does not begin when marriage does. Life begins now. It’s been happening. You’re life doesn’t start or stop when you get married, buy a house, or start a family. Your life just changes. The one constant through all of it, is our God.
I’m so young. I know now I really wanted a wedding in college, and really did not want a marriage (nor was remotely ready). I realize the difference now. Pinterest and reality don’t line up! It may seem like you’re the only one with naked ring finger, but cherish the time to flourish your relationship with Christ. You’ll never feel lonely.
I think I felt like their lives were moving on. And I was being left behind That they’re going to get married, and our friendship will just end. We’ll never be the same! I think I was also, well, jealous. Jealous the they found a life partner. And a little jealous the their fiancee’s were stealing my soul sister away from me! Or so it felt like that. What’s really happening though, is not loss, but gain. I get to gain a brother. Someone who shows me how my girl deserves to be loved. That continues to set a standard for how all of us should be loved. Because of their relationships with Christ, they found each other. God gave them the wisdom to choose. And so I will now get to watch them lie at the foot of the cross daily, giving themselves over, and then standing up, and choosing to love each other. Ever single day. “And over all of these virtues put on love, which binds them in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:14 Talk about commitment... It’s inspiring to see this love.
Like I said, two cannot become one if they’re searching for confidence, affirmation, and love just from each other. They’ll drain one another until they’re empty. If you fill yourself up with the Lord, you will be a much happier spouse, a much stronger believer, and a more loving partner. You’ll realize you’re in a much more glorifying, loving, Godly relationship. Marriage is a beautiful covenant between yourself and God, your partner and God, and the two of you together as one, with God. Am I excited for that one day? Heck yes!!! But, it will be when I’m ready, not when I’m lonely. God is designing it already. I'm sure of that :) So for now, I want to be #engaged in the present, in the relationship I have with Christ, and in the life that I’m living.
Love. John 3:16, the verse we memorized in Sunday school. God SO loved us. That “so” has become increasingly important to me in my walk with Christ. He didn’t just love me. He SO loved us. He loved us SO much he would give the ultimate sacrifice for us to live. He SO loved us, that He separated himself from His son, turned His back on His ONLY son, to face all of us. He turned away, so that I may live. Jesus knew this. He knew he’d be the sacrificial lamb. He felt every lashing, every blunt, and blow of the beating he took. He was God in man’s skin. With every forceful hit, His love growing stronger for us. He never wavered, never gave up, and never back peddled. He fully embraced the pain because he SO loved us.
What. The. Heck. Why dude? Why me? Why selfish me? Why me who gets pissy when the Chipotle line is too long? Why me, who’s toyed with people’s hearts? Why me, who has turned my back on you thousands and thousands of times, only to turn around, and see you, still there, still moving towards me, with arms wide open. That’s love.
“There is no greater love than this: to lay one’s life down for one’s friends.” John 15:13
I hope I can love, and be loved like Christ.
-C
Article below:
http://shaunaniequist.com/significant-without-significant/
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