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Unfiltered

I feel that in the position I have been placed in it appears that at times I may "have it all together."

I don't.

Unfiltered.

I called my best friend, lump in my throat, stomach in knots and when she picked up, the tears flooded my eyes then the tears flowed out like a waterfall. In this moment, I was definitely not the girl who had it all together. In fact, I was the girl who had let it all fall apart.

And falling apart was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

My parents went through a divorce my freshmen/sophomore year of college. I did not grow up in a broken home. We went to church every week, in fact my father was our Church Pastor, and my mother was in charge of the nursery. There comes much pressure with being the eldest daughter, even more so when an entire community is watching your every move. Starting at a young age I put the pressure on myself that I had to be perfect. Because, being perfect is what being a good Christian means, right? I walked into that church sanctuary one-hundred times over feeling broken inside. I was a very happy girl. Outgoing, goofy, smiley, but I was dealing with slight depression. I was a tomboy, as many of you know I play soccer, and a lot of girls alienated me and bullied me growing up. But no matter the torment I went through during the school-week, I walked into church, head held high, smile bright, and played my role. I didn't understand what being a Christian meant.

So, I became quite good at it, this acting gig.

I went through many ups and downs as the years went on. So I take you back to where I left off. It was a realization. A  moment where I felt I had nothing left of me. Sports weren't there for me, I felt distanced from my family, and had anger towards my parents because of the divorce, I ignored my younger siblings, and tried to "deal" with it all. What I didn't know was I am not capable of dealing with anything on my own.

As I cry to my friend on the phone, 2,000 miles separating us, I caught myself saying, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be this upset."
Why? Why do so many of us feel ashamed or embarassed to show our emotions?  She reminded me that my emotions are God given. She reminded me of all the things God has promised me, and to never let go of those standards because I am worthy. I am a precious daughter of THEE King. The Alpha and Omega.

"We are troubled but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God, We get knocked down, but are not destroyed."     2 Corinthians 4:8

God promises us over and over again, that no matter how dark the night is, rough the water is, or how hot the fire is, he will never let us drown or burn. He is our lifeguard, our Savior, the one who rescues us. Because he is more protective that any father here on Earth, and more comforting than any mother. His love is greater than we can even comprehend.

So  that Sunday I'll never forget, I walked into church, found my place, and listened to the sermon, eyes watering at times, then worship began. "Spirit lead me" I sang, "wherever you will call me, take me deeper" I found myself on my knees, weeping and feeling broken and vulnerable.

I wept for the little girl who was bullied.
I wept for the girl who was dumped out of nowhere, heartbroken.
I wept for the dream of playing soccer disappearing
I wept for the absence of my father
I wept for the confusion of divorce
I wept for my little brother and sister
I wept for the insecurity that drove me to bulimia
I wept for the 3,000 miles of distance between me and my friends
I wept because of past decisions
I wept that I had ignored God for so long

But I wept the most because I was so completely overwhelmed by God's comfort and mercy washing over me like a blanket strategically woven with love and grace. I realized in that moment, God has broken me down in order to re-build me with him as my foundation.

See, I wasn't on a pathway to destruction, I wasn't out of control and spiraling, but there were aspects of my life that I hadn't let God take over yet. And in this moment, of being unfiltered and honest, I realized that I would never feel whole unless I relenquished control and leaned  on my Father.  So I made the decision, as I had made multiple times before, to let my Lord and Savior come into my heart and painfully, slowly, and divinely piece me back together.

And he did just that.

So no, I haven't aways had it "all together". And I may never. But I am sweetly broken for the Lord, and striving to make the Lord the foundation of my life, the glue that holds me together, and the roof that protects me and shelters me.

I look back and I am not ashamed of the emotions I felt. Because I have been called deeper, you have been called deeper. He beckons us in the storm to trust in Him. God whispers to us in our days of happiness, and shouts in our darkest nights. So be still, and know that there's someone fighting for you. Thinking of you. And waiting for you to return to his warm embrace, no matter how far you've gone astray, how broken you are, or how unloved you feel. He is a rock, unshakeable,  unbreakable,  and eternally consistent.

I am thankful that no matter who is in my life, "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

So this is a piece of me and my testimony, unfiltered, raw and honest.

"Peace Ileave with you; my peace Igive you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let yours hearts me troubled, and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

-Caroline 

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